Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the quest for lusciousness
by UleBLEH
Summary: What will happen when tragity strikes at camp Half-blood? Seven demigods must go on a quest to fix it, that's what. DUH. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey people I just wanted to let you know that I love you for clicking on my parody and it would break my heart like Jason broke Reyna's if you left *big sad puppy eyes*. So please read and review and it would make me as happy as a Percabeth reunion!**

**DISCLAIMER: I sadly own none of the genius that is Percy Jackson:.(**

**Percy POV**

I didn't want to be a half-blood. Wait. What am I saying, of course I did! Who doesn't?! You get to fight people, and ride pegesi, and go on quest, and maybe even DIE! Well I guess that last part isn't as epic as I thought...BUT OH WELL!

"OH MY GODS! GROVER WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

An ear splitting screech was emitted as I did a signature drop kick to bust down the barn door.

"GROVER! Look what you have done!" I bellowed while pointing to my head.

"OMG's what happened to you Girlfriiieeend!? You're BALD!" A frightened Grover exclaimed.

"Yeah, I got that. And I know exactly who the culprit is...I always knew you wanted to eat my hair Grover. My flowing luscious hair. A-and now...it's G-GONE!" I cried.

"Well, yeah, Percy I you have amazing, flowing hair, full of vitamins and minerals that are great for satyr's but it wasn't me! I'm just your sassy gay friend!" Grover was trembling now and you would be too if you were facing me and my sword with only a stick and a couple of other half goat people on your side.

"Please don't kill me..." Whimpered Grover.

"WHAT WAS THAT, UNDERWOOD?!" I really got up in his face, and he finally broke. He covered his face, which I was sure was tear stained, and started making this weird bleating noise.

"COME AT ME BRO!" I said and did a couple of gangster signs for good measure. I'll have to thank Hermes Cabin for them later, as they ARE the ghetto cabin. At least I think.

I decided to go by my modo: I am swaggin' anyone thing that doesn't have to do with me, doesn't matter.

That thought made me smile as I walked out of the barn. But then I remembered the problem at hand; I still needed my hair back!

I decided to consult the wisest person at camp: Annabeth.

I found Annabeth at the beach. She was "training to be an architect". So she was building a sandcastle.

Annabeth was mumbling to herself.

"Structural support, bla, bla, column,bla, bla..."

Once she got this his deep, I knew I had to take drastic measures to get her back.

I tickled my fingers up and down in front of her face. "Itsy bitsy spider,crawling up the spout.."

"OH MY GODS, SPIDER! " Annabeth screened at the top of her lungs, but even so, no one looked up. The itsy bitsy spider was sort of a daily occurrence and most hoped she would eventually get used to it, and maybe she would. Not.

Once she was recovered enough I leaned my head down in front of her face.

"Hi Annabeth," I said in a flat monotone voice.

Seeing my shiny bald head made her scream again.

"AH! IT BURNS!IT BURNS!" She yelled.

She looked further down at my face and saw I who it was.

"PERCY! Your...your BALD!..._I love you_..." Annabeth was taken aback by surprise of my baldness.

I took her hands and locked eyes with her.

"Annabeth,I know this is scary for you and, trust me, I'm scared too. But I need your advice and maybe help to get my hair back. Okay?" I said in my most soothing voice. I always tried to make my move on her or she's in one of her weaker moments.

She furrowed her eyebrows together and frowned at me.

"What the Hades, Percy?! Why are you holding my hands?..._I love you..."_

Oh crud muffins, she's on to me.

"Oh, uh, you were hurt and I was healing you with my magic water powers...?" I tried.

"Oh okay, Percy. What was it you were saying?..._I love you..._"

Yeah, Annabeth always mutters something after everything she says to me and I can never quite catch it. Now I just tend to ignore it, because, I mean, if it were something important, like declaring love for me, she would speak up. It's probably just some random fact about jellyfish or something.

"I'm bald. I need your help to get my luscious hair back." I state it plain and simple.

"OH EM GEE, Percy! Do you know what this means?! QUEST TIME!..._I love you..."_

__Annabeth gets really excited about quest. One time she even peed her pants over one.

I drew Riptide with one hand and put the other on my hip. I stepped one foot on a rock and looked towards the sky. Nearby, Jason knew the drill. A gust of wind blew on my face and WOULD HAVE blown my hair ancient Greek style. Almost. Perfect.

I bellowed,"WE MUST CONSULT THE ORICLE!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey your back! You struggled through my first chapter to make it to the second! I applaud you! Virtual cookie (::)?**

**Please read and review!**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm very disappointed to say that I own nothing:.(**

**Jason POV**

Hello? Can you hear me? Sorry about the reception I'm not in the best place for a video right now. We actually the McDonalds Playplace isn't the best place, period. Maybe you can help me with my, ah...issue. But for you to help you must understand. And to understand, you must know my story...

My girlfriend used to be normal. Back when we were on the quest for the Second Great Prophecy, or as my home dawgs say, the Prophecy of the Seven. Big difference, no one cares.

It all started when Reyna made a move on me. But don't get me wrong, at the time I wasn't complaining. We had this kind of Percabeth-in-battle-of-the-labyrinth relationship and that's to say it was kind if rocky. But I really liked her but I didn't know if she liked me back, so when she told me she had feelings, I didn't know what to do.

I ended up telling her the same.

And that's when my life was ruined forever.

Turns out Piper had had Harry Potter turn her into a jelly bean so she could spy on Reyna and I in the praetor's room thingy. And I bet you could guess her reaction to our conversation.

Grover: Did she say she was happy for you and go make out with Leo?

No, you cheese muffin!

Grover: I'm sorry...*crying*

Go cry in your own chapter! Doofus...

Back to me.

As shocking as it is, Grover was wrong.

Piper had gone totally bizerk. It had started with the bowl of jelly beans.

Reyna had reach her hand for one when I noticed they were starting to shake.

I said nothing thinking it was probably a minor earthquake, after all, Nico DID have an awesome party last night. Possibly his last one.

Reyna swallowed the jelly beans without anything out of the ordinary happen.

Then Reyna exploded.

It was all very terrifying and you would thank me for not going into great detail.

But I will tell you the worst part. It is essential for your survival that you know what you are up agenst. I'm sorry for what you are about to read.

The ashes and smoke were clearing and I started to make out a figure. Curved horns, like a bull, grew from its head. A tail wiggled like a cats, except this tail had a point, much like an arrow head at the end. The monster, as I had begun to call it, had its hands raised, long fingers curled in an evil rejoice. *shudder*

The dust had cleared.

I fell back agenst the table in astonishment at who this figure was.

The one on the bus.

The one from my first quest at camp half-blood.

The one from the Argo ll, Hercules island, and the circular room filled with water...

Piper. The only person I had trusted all along had destroyed my could-have-been girlfriend, and turned into this to claim me as her's.

"P-piper?" I asked.

"Yes cutie kinz?" Crapola. She had a forked tongue.

I couldn't help it, "What happened to your face? Man, puberty must've hit you like a truck!"

I know, I know that probably didn't help but I couldn't contain myself.

"W-What d-did you say Jasykinz...?" Piper stuttered. Her eye started twitching and a flame caught in them. And not a Hestia warm happy fun time fire but like something that could be seen in the field of punishments.

"Uh.. I-I asked if you we're feeling okay..." I tried to cover my mistake and hope she didn't pounce.

The fire surrounding her had died down.

"Oh. Well if that's it, then thanks for being the best boyfriend ever! That is, besides Abercrombie, here!"

Piper pulled out an Abercrombie bag and started making out with it. After about 5 minutes of my questioning look she and The Bag broke apart.

"Oh, sorry" Piper giggled with what u think was a blush. "I didn't realize other people were here..."

And with that she and her bag left, leaving me stunned to silence. No Reyna as a girlfriend for me.

So that was the beginning of the worst day of my life. But for you to get the whole idea of what your up agenst, let alone try to help me, you will need more. We can start with the quest of the hair theft.

I think it was a sunny day at camp; I couldn't tell. For the past 3 days I have been hiding out under the water.

You see, I have this whole deal worked out with Percy, where he hides me from Piper, and I assist in his hair blowing.

I had it pretty good down here on the ocean floor. But that all changed or SHE came.

I was all comfy in my magical bubble when the Worlds Scariest Face was suddenly pressed agenst my bubble.

"OH PIT!" I screeched like a little girl.** (Do I have any dauntless out there?)**

****Piper had her scooba-masked, devil face pressed up right by my head.

"HEY JAAAAAAASON!" She called from outside my bubble. Then she pulled out a knife and started stabbing it.

"What the Hades, Piper?!" I yelled.

As hard as Percy had tried to make the bubble, he had a mirror nearby so he was a little distracted by his own reflection, and I didn't completely trust the handiwork.

I began to run in my bubble like a hamster, heading towards the surface. I needed back up.

I broke the surface and ran towards the Big House where, surely, someone could help me.

That was one of my biggest mistakes.

**Phew. That was a long one. At least for me!So, yeah, stay turned in to find out things like, "who will be at the big house?" And, "why was going to the big house a mistake?" And maybe some stuff about Percy's "issue". One will never know! Haha JK (Rowling!) just bear with me until the next chapter!**

**Please review! It would make my day!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey people pod the world! I don't really have much to say... So please read and review!**

**DISCLAIMER: Do you think I own anything?**

**Leo POV**

"This better be good, Chiron! I got up a whole FIVE MINUTES before 6:00 am to be here after my morning mischief..." I told Chiron mischeifiously, while bouncing off the walls. Literally. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stay still for the life of me.

"Well... One needs another to help a pair of persons in the room of the sick," Chiron replies.

"ENGLISH, CHIRON, ENGLISH!" I yell at him from the ceiling. He always talks in that STUPID old-timey language of his. Only Annabeth, in her Dumb-Blonde-only-in-useful-situations smartness could decipher him.

"One...must..visit...sick...people...place...to help...friend," Chiron said each syllable very slowly, like I was completely retarded. And that's not true. I'm only A LITTLE mentally retarded!

I jump down from my spot on Chiron's ceiling, landing on his back. "Uoky Duhoky" I said in my best stupid voice.

I left the room, bouncing down the hallway. I made a fun game out it with the pictures in the 'Demigod Hall O' Fame', where I tried to knock down certain demigods to get an amount of points 1-10. Jason (Grace) 7, Thalia 8, Piper 4 (sorry but she doesnt do much; the only big break she got was being in the Second Great Poopecy), Nico 7, -OOH! Annabeth AND Percy! Score, 10! Then finally the greatest hero in the history of demigods: the one and only Leo Valdez! I think I deserve 10,000. I had made it to the sick bay with a total of...uh...7+8 is...12, and 12+4 is 10, +7 is...toughie...27! And 27+10,000 is 103! I won! I think...

I was still not pleased with having to help out in the sick bay. Stupid Argus probably went to the Bahamas again. And last time, the was gone for the whole summer. I guess he's in some relationship with a 100 eyed, surfer girl.

I got close to the sick bay and heard voices.

"You just had to eat the ice cream, didn't you," one voice said, and I knew immediately who was sick.

"More ice cream? What flavor was it this time Frank?" I asked as I walked into the room to find a frustrated-looking Hazel tending to a green Frank.

I shuddered at the sight of Frank. But that's nothing out of the ordinary, for anyone. A 15 year old boy with the head of a baby and the body of a giant teddy bear is frightening enough to make anyone scream!

"Tutti Fruiti," Frank says dejectedly. Then he fell over the side of the bed and puked out a mysterious, rainbow colored, substance.

"That explains the rainbow. Hazel, you didn't stop him?" I asked.

"I would have if I were there," Hazel says, "But Frank went in the DEAD OF NIGHT to a certain cabin 3 to visit a certain Percy Jackson, who was half asleep and ALOWED him to have ice cream. I found him on Percy's door step in a pool of rainbow worthy of Iris. And now, we're here." Hazel shudders as she finishes her story.

"And it was worth every bit of it!" Frank gets out weakly before adding to the rainbow.

_Oh yeah, taste the rainbow Frank, taste the rainbow._

_"_Stupid lactose-intolerance," Frank manages before he has to duck down in the bucket again. But this time the puking was more rough than before, as where Frank used to be was a panda bear. If I wasn't mistaken, the panda was glaring at me.

"HEY! You wanna pice uh me, Baby Faced Panda Boy?!" I said getting into Panda's face. I threw in some gangster chest thumps for good measure. Shout out to Hermes cabin (ghetto).

The next time Frank puked it was through the panda. This jerked him back to an angry human.

"Okay Leo, what do you want?" Frank said in a monotone voice.

I put my hand agents my chest as if I were taken aback. "Only to help my dearest friend through a time of trouble!"

"Really?" Hazel asked with sarcasm.

"Chiron promised me ice cream if I helped you guys, as I am one of two of the people who don't run away screaming at the sight of Frank and baby-head, not to mention your teddy bear body. Really, to be perfectly honest, Frank, you're a freak!" I told him.

Then Frank started to cry.

"I think you've done enough, Leo. You can go now." Hazel said coldly.

Hurray! I can leave!

I bounced back down the hallway, still playing my game. I was about win double my score when- NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT A FRANK! Well subtract 1,000,000 points then. SIGH.

"What happened?! Who need's saving? 'Cuz I love the spotlight after a battle!" A voice came down the hall, and I knew immediately who it was. And I'd bet my buttons that was his sister! Jk, that was hunger games, BTY! But I WOULD bet my buttons it was Percy and Annabeth was with him.

But then...

"ME! ME, I NEED SAVING!" Another voice had joined the chorus.

"Where are you, kind sir? What could possibly be the matter?" Percy asked. At this point I went to see what was going on. I didn't even bounce!...less that 100 times...

I arrived at the scene of the crime to find a sight so horrible I had to shield my eyes.

"PERCY YOU'RE BALD!" I screamed. What could have happened to all that luciusness?

Percy took a deep breath, but ignored me.

"PERCY! I. Am. Right. HERE! And I think you know my problem..." Jason.

"Well, problems can always be solved with a sound proof box!Leo, would you like to help us!" Percy exclaimed.

I shrugged."Got nothing better to do. Sure."

"As Mr.D would say... Grape!" Percy said, and with that, pulled out a sound proof glass box as tall, as the front door that definitely wasn't there before.

"Okay, Leo, make something that opens doors on its own," Percy told me with a ferocious glare in his eyes.

"Oh, you mean a asdfghjkl? I made one last week!" I exclaimed, pulling the asdfghjkl from my pocket. Percy took it and tossed it in the box. He opened one side and pressed it agenst the door, so when my asdfghjkl opened the door, it would LOOK like you could get through but you CAN'T!

"Okay, Jason stand here," Percy positioned Jason in the doorway, but behind the box. That's when I knew what would happen.

Jason was a dead man. And it looked like he realized it too.

"OHHHH, PIIIIPEEERRR! I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU...!" Percy yelled.

Out on the green, I saw Piper look up. Her horns glinted wickedly in the sun. Her tail flicked. She licked her lips with her forked tongue. Her eyes caught on Jason and she grinned evilly.

Then she charged. It reminded me much of a bull, the way she lowered her head so her horns skewered anyone that got in her way. Oh and the fact she was running on all fours.

She reached the big house porch. I knew there was no way the box could withstand the force of Piper's horns.

Piper shook her head to clear her horns of the demigods who had the misfortune to get in Piper's way.

Then she charged. Right into the box, which closed as soon as she was inside. Piper pressed her face agents our side of the glass, baring her fangs and scratching the glass with those horrible claws.

"Wow... I didn't think that would work!" Jason exclaimed.

"Yeah I thought you were a dead man!" I told him.

"Let's stick her in the basement, just in case..._I love you..." _Said stupid Annabeth with her stupid muttering to Percy.

We worked together to pick up the box (it had closed on its own), and tossed it down the stairs.

"Hey Percy..." I started.

"Si?"

"How us the glass not breaking?"

Piper was butting her horns into the glass.

"The box was a gift from Sarajevo, goddess of boxes," Percy said.

"They actually have a box goddess? They have gods for everything!" Jason exclaimed.

"Is there a god of stupid?" I asked.

"Well sure there is! His name is Randy, he has helped us many times on quest! But he sure is full of himself," Annabeth told us.

Then Percy chimed in, "And ugly, and weak, and useless, and scrawny, and- well, I could go on and on but you get the point; He's the exact opposite of me! But yeah the box is magic, it'll hold,"

I rolled my eyes. If the Demon got out it was on Percy.

I dropped a pen.

"WHATITH IS THATITH COMMOTION!" Chiron bellowed as he appeared in the doorway.

"Piper," we all said in unison.

"Thou is incorrect! The one called Piper tis not inside this establishment! Thou just sensed tis writing utensil dropped 2 seconds previously!" Chiron said.

Figures. Chiron didn't hear the battle agents a Demon, but he DID hear a pen drop.

"SIR! PICK ME SIR!" Percy screamed in Chiron's face while waving his hand around in the air.

Chiron breathed a deep breath in, then a deep breath out, "Yes, Perceus?"

"MY HEAD! MY BEAUTIFUL LUSCIOUS HAIR IS GONE! WE NEED A QUEST!" Percy demanded.

" , certain situations can be solutioned without adventure," Stupid chiron said in his stupid olden-days language.

"BUT WE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED A QUEST!" Annabeth begged.

"Fine. Funds shall give thee quintius (5) mexican pesos to fund thee's rediculous voyage," Chiron gave in.

"We need 7 members for this dangerous quest! I mean, not that I couldn't do it my self, I COULD, but 7 people is a good number to play marry, hug, kill!" Percy decided.

"So me, Annabeth, Leo, Frank, Hazel, and Jason will make a good game, but we need one more..." Percy said. Everyone exchanged glances and came to a silent agreement: Piper, would make a wonderful addition to any game of marry, hug, kill.

**So a quest for Percy's hair. With Percy, Annabeth, Leo, Frank, Hazel, Jason, aaand... Piper. All chosen only because they would make a good game of marry, hug, kill. What could happen next. Please continue to read and review!**


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